Dumbass
by Brandon Payne
Summary: A possible scenario of just how . . . lacking in foresight Luffy could be sometimes.


The Strawhat Crew are sitting around in the main area of the Thousand Sunny one rainy day.

"Good God, it sure is boring today," Chopper groaned with a bored expression as he rests his head against his hand while sitting with his back to the fish tank.

"Hey, hey, you shouldn't say things like that, Chopper," Usopp chided. "'Cause every time someone says something like that, something crazy always seems to happen."

"Especially with Luffy around," Nami said.

"I take it he always does something that causes a lot of trouble?" Franky asked.

"That's putting it very mildly," Zoro said dryly.

The door opens and in walks Luffy with a big goofy smile while eating a whole armload of black round things that resemble cookie dough yet to be baked. He continually pops one after the other into his mouth, not bothering to swallow what he has in his mouth in the first place as he keeps chewing away.

"Hey, guys," he muffled through a mouthful quite happily. "How's it going?"

"What are you eating this time, Luffy?" Sanji growled. "You just ate a couple of hours ago."

"I don't know," Luffy answered happily as he keeps shoving one after another of those things into his mouth and chews, before finally swallowing.

Chopper's eyes suddenly go wide with terror as his pupils shrink to pinpoints and mouth hangs open.

"Luffy!" He cried, causing the others to flinch with shock over his outburst. "Where did you find those!?"

"Oh, I found these in your room on a table," as he keeps eating away. "The door was opened and I saw them there. I had one and . . . well," then stops for a moment as he looks deep in thought. Sadly, such thoughts are never deep with him. "They taste funny, but I guess it must be an acquired taste." And he returns to eating them.

"No, no, stop eating them!" Chopper screamed as he now stands while waving his arms frantically. "Robin, stop him!"

Robin gasps slightly with a slightly bewildered expression as she crosses her arms to use her Devil Fruit power, making two pairs of arms appear on Luffy. One set pushes his arms down to immobilize them, causing him to drop the remainder of the strange food, while the other pair clamps hands over his mouth. Luffy struggles for a moment before the arms disappear.

"Hey Chopper," Luffy yelled in annoyance. "What was that all about!?"

"Yeah, what is it!?" Usopp asked.

"That's not food, that's medicine!" Chopper yelled as he continues waving his arms frantically.

"Medicine!?" They all stated with bewilderment.

"Could he get sick from eating a lot of it?" Robin asked.

"It's . . . It's . . . !" Chopper stammered.

"What!?" Zoro demanded. "It's what!?"

"J-Just one of those is potent enough!" Chopper continued with a look of terror.

"Your rumble balls?" Usopp gasped.

"N-No!" Chopper grated on the verge of hysteria.

"Gah, come on, out with it!" Franky demanded while getting into Chopper's face.

"L-L-Laxatives!"

The pirate crew now has intense dumbfounded expressions.

LAXATIVES!? Their yell carrying over the ocean.

Luffy stands there with a blank look of curiosity. His nakama are now staring back at him as if he is a time bomb about to explode at any moment. He then bursts out laughing.

"Ah, don't worry about it," he waved dismissively. "They must not work. I had about a dozen of them."

A DOZEN!? Their yell carrying over the ocean once again.

"Luffy," Nami whispered with a tone to match her dreaded expression while making slow pushing motions. "Get to a toilet right now and sit there before it's too late."

"I told you, they must not work," Luffy countered whimsically. "Nothing's happening."

Nami's expression turns to pure rage and she is about to have a screaming fit when she stops as she hears a sound. The rest hear those sounds as well. And they are coming from Luffy.

Or more to the point, from his stomach. They are squelching rumbling sounds.

"Gaaaaah, it feels like my bowels are heating up!" Luffy whined feebly as he clutches at his stomach while his tongue hangs out and he turns a shade of green.

"Don't just stand there waiting to shit your pants!" Sanji shouted furiously. "Run to a toilet now!"

Luffy suddenly screams in agony with eyes buldging and clutches as his bottom then begins running around in circles.

"My ass! It's gonna explode!" He screamed with a terror-stricken expression.

"You super moron!" Franky yelled while running for the door and opens it, then points ardently out it. "Go! Go! Go!"

Luffy runs out screaming while keeping his hands clutched to his bottom and runs down the hall.

"The toilet's the other way!" Frank shouted furiously down the hallway after him.

But Luffy didn't hear him and runs into one room, before running back out of it and into another. Then emerges from that room and runs into another. Then another. And another still. All while screaming and clasping at his bottom as if he might be able to stop from soiling himself.

The others are now peeking out around the doorway down the hall at him.

"You great idiot! You're going the wrong way!" Zoro yelled.

"Something you know a lot about, mosshead," Sanji said snidely.

"What was that, pervert cook!?" Zoro snarled while getting into Sanji's face. They get into a scrap as a cloud of dust forms around them.

Luffy runs past them and into another room. He doesn't come out as he is next heard moaning and groaning quite loudly. The sounds of him relieving himself are abnormally louder.

"Hey, he's found the toilet!" Usopp yelled at Zoro and Sanji, making them stop and follow the others out into the hallway and listen.

The sounds of Luffy relieving himself carry over the ocean.

A half an hour later, the door opens. No sooner does it open before the crew are hit by the overwhelming stench.

"Oh, my God!" Nami screeched while pinching her noise. "It smells worse than an outhouse!"

"Ugh, somebody open a window!" Usopp choked as he also pinches his long nose.

But Franky just stands there with a stunned expression.

"Th-That's not the washroom!" He croaked.

WHAT!? Yet again, their yells carry over the ocean.

"Then what is it?" Zoro asked.

"It's-It's a storage room."

"What was stored in there?" Robin asked.

Luffy comes staggering out with an exhausted yet relieved expression while moaning with his tongue hanging out.

"I think I just shit my guts out," he groaned. "There was a small barrel in there and some paper nearby that I could use to clean myself off in. S-So thirsty."

"You've got to replenish the water you just lost," Chopper stated.

"Why the hell would you make laxatives!?" Usopp shouted at Chopper.

"Hey, I'm a doctor! A doctor never knows what they're gonna need!"

"Well I guess that we're going to have to get rid of that small barrel in there," Nami sighed in a pained manner.

"It was already filled almost to the top to begin with, but I had no choice," Luffy explained in that whiny moaning tone.

"What was in it?" Robin asked.

Luffy looks upward as he scratches his head for a moment. "I believe they were seeds. Yes, that's it. Seeds."

"Seeds?" Nami began saying in a frighteningly calm and breathy manner. Her pupils begin taking on a reddish glow. "My orange seeds? You crapped in my orange seeds?"

"She's gonna blow!" Chopper yelled with a terrified look. "Run!"

Everyone runs back inside the main room, shutting the door. Leaving Luffy alone with Nami as a dark aura now surrounds her. Her expression remains frighteningly blank as her pupils continue to glow red and a shadow casts over her face.

"Seeds? My orange seeds? You crapped in my orange seeds?" She continued chanting in that calm and breathy manner.

Finally, she snaps and a blood chilling scream of rage carries over the ocean, along with the sounds of a savage beating.

"Shit in my seeds, will you!" Nami screamed venomously. Her features twist from fury as she tries to strangle Luffy with one of his own legs after wrapping it around his neck. Huge steaming lumps cover his head and one eye is swollen shut. The rest of the crew rush out.

"Hey, hey, if you strangle the captain, we'll be lost," Franky shouted as he pulls on her.

"You're right, I won't strangle him," Nami suddenly said cheerfully with a matching grin. "I'll drown him in his own shit instead!" With an enraged expression once again while trying to drag Luffy back into the storage room.

"He didn't mean to crap in your seeds, Nami!" Chopper shouted with a wave of his arms.

"I'm certain your seeds can be cleaned, Nami-schawn," Sanji said.

"And just how do we do that!?" Nami shouted.

Sanji is at a lost for words.

"Why not clean them off in soapy water?" Franky suggested.

"That could work," Nami said slowly yet curtly.

Later up on deck, the Strawhat Crew are standing to one side and watch as Luffy cleans the seeds off.

"Nami, do I have to do this alone?" He whined throughout his hosing them down. "It stinks so bad!"

"Your shit! You clean them off!" She shouted with an angry expression while pointing furiously at him.

Luffy continues hosing water into the barrel, then picks it up and dumps the putrid mess into a dirt shifter. Next he pours detergent over it and hoses it down some more to get more of the shitty mess off it. After much careful cleaning and rinsing, he pours the now sparkling seeds into another clean barrel.

"There, good as new!" Luffy announced with that big goofy grin.

"I will be putting these into a new storage room under careful Luffyproof protection," Nami said as she takes the barrel of seeds from him.

Later on, they are back in the main room once again.

"That was the most horrid thing to have ever happened," Nami groaned.

"Of all the dumb stupid idiotic things that Luffy has ever done, that has got to have been the worst," Zoro said curtly.

"At least he won't be doing that again," Franky said. "I mean, not even he can be that stupid."

"Can't argue with you there," Usopp said.

"I put the rest of the laxatives upon one of my shelves," Chopper said.

The door opens and Luffy comes in bearing that big goofy grin of his.

"Hey guys, look what I found in Chopper's room."

He is eating the rest of the laxatives, envoking collective expressions of stunned horror from his crew.

YOU DUMBASS! Their collective shout of fury carrying over the ocean. It is then quickly followed by the sounds of them beating Luffy up.


End file.
